I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
