I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
