you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
