I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
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he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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