I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
