I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
