I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
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You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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