Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
now i know why i became what i already was.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
