I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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