soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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