a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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