i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
