im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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