He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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