We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
