I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
