If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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