Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
