I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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