how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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