Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
