I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
