man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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