we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
