I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
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You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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