i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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