Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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