Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
40s are totally the cure
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
