my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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