first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I AM VODKA MAN
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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