How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
