Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
