If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.