he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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