i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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