Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
