I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
