i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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