sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
