So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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