I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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