You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
