What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
