Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I will be naked everywhere
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
