allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
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