He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
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I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
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Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
So here I am, sexting at work.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize