shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
