The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
