...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
