can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
