When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
