Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
