How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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