I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think my fart just growled at me.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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