I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
