i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
