WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
