I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
NoShamevember. You game?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
