i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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