I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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