yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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